On May 18th 2013 I lost the Love of my life Shane. He passed from complications after a motorcycle accident May 12th, Mother's Day on his way to work. We have 2 children one who was able to know him, one who will never know him. This blog is my way of sharing my life, and hopefully helping someone out there going through the pain as I am.
Half a year... Why do 6 months and Christmas have to go together? Why couldn't it have been the other way around 6 months at the beginning of Summer instead, maybe that would make it easier to take. I doubt it though.
I wake up every morning, in my house, my house that I bought to escape the reality, my house that I bought to chase the ghosts away (not literal ones), my house that I furnished to make it me not us, my house that is less that 2 miles from where I spent the last almost 10 years of my life. My house, some may think my moving is a bad thing, to those people I say bite me, you are the same people that said you would be there to help with the renovations, that were not, so please step down from your high horse. Some days I get up and moving without a moments hesitation, then, some mornings I just want to huddle under the covers and hide from the world, and then there the days/nights where sleep just doesn't come at all.
I hurt, I hurt a lot, I try not to show it, I try to mask it. I've gotten pretty good at it, people don't want to see the me that is wallowing in self pity, they don't want to see the woman that is just blank, they don't want to see the grief etched in my face. And, honestly, I don't want them to see it either, it's mine, my pain, my struggle, not theirs to watch. I am sure that there are people who look at me and say, she didn't love him, she's not grieving, she is a cold hearted bitch, etc. Let me tell you now, you have no idea what I deal with every single day, and I do not wish what I go through on anyone.
I have become very complacent being in my own little world. I don't go out much, I have weeded out people that just were not being positive points in my world. I have met new people, I have found out who are real friends, and I have held tighter to the ones that do make me happy. Being happy is my goal everyday, just to find that little point of light at least once a day is a feat, but, it is a goal that I keep when the other ones go to the wayside.
Christmas, it has always been one of my 3 favorite holidays, the others are Halloween and St. Patrick's Day. I spend to much, I give to much, I cook to much, I decorate to much, at least I did. This year, I didn't carve a pumpkin for Halloween, that was Shane's job, my job was to find the most outrageous and difficult things for him to carve into multiple pumpkins. I barely made it through Thanksgiving without a total mental break. And now, Christmas. I have lights up outside, they are all blue, it is minimal. I have a tree inside, it's blue and white and has our ornaments on it. I didn't bake for the shop, I bought donuts, and chocolate for them, because that to me is still where my husband works. Cheyenne hasn't written a letter to Santa, because she hasn't really wanted to ask anything of me, though I wish she would. I have Shane's stocking hanging, I have my stocking hanging, both will be empty, every year we would fill each others with the movies that we knew each other wanted, gag gifts, and stuff. I am trying to make it normal for Cheyenne's sake, Zoey has no idea what is going on. Our normal isn't normal though, it never will be.
This Monday the 12th of August Shane and I would have been married for 7 years, though we were together almost 10. They went by so quickly, and then ended just as quickly. Our vows were simple I promised to love, honor, and cherish him, his were the same, I vowed til death do us part as did he.
I am finally starting to feel anger. A 21 year old moron driving his fathers car killed my husband. He will get to walk through life marry, have children, raise his children, go to work, and Shane will not. It was Murder, I don't care if it was in cold blood or not, he Murdered my husband. He killed a man who loved hard, worked hard, earned his respect from others, and did everything he could to make his life better.
I don't even know if this piece of crap feels remorse, I doubt it, because this day in age it seems like people just take human life for granted. Because of him 2 little girls will grow up without their Daddy who loved them more than life itself. Cheyenne knows that, but Zoey will only know what I and others can tell her. That is unforgivable. If ever I am faced with this boy, and he attempts to ask of my forgiveness, I will not be able to do it. He took so much from me and from our family, he took my everything.
Shane was a truly Godly man, we did not go to church, because in our
eyes our God is not in a building as many would tell us constantly. Throughout our marriage people would tell us we needed a Church Home, no we needed faith, we had and have that in spades. We did not need to walk in a church to tell us we had the Lord with us. There was a point in the funeral service that I wanted to stand up and scream when the preacher kept talking about how Shane's brother only saved his soul because his brother went through the sinners prayer with him. No, Shane was a saved and whole man long before that time. The fact that we were in a church that had standing room only told that. When I get told all the time that Shane had helped a person and asked for nothing in return countless times, he was a saved man. The fact that he did so much for his family told that. He did not need words to Save him, he had what so many who have words didn't, don't, and never will. He had pure love and FAITH in God and showed it through his daily actions, not words that mean nothing.
There are 5 words that make me so angry every time I hear them spoken out loud to me. I am praying for you. Well that's nice, I guess you had to tell me out loud to make you feel better, because it doesn't do much for me to hear you say it to me. I have asked no one to pray for me, so please don't make it seem like a big deal that you are. Prayer is a private thing, I pray constantly, for others, myself, my children, etc. but I do not feel it needs to be advertised to anyone.
If there was advice I could give to anyone at this point of my life it would be this. When you are married God comes first, your spouse comes second, your children come third, and you come fourth. Marriage is in God's eyes forever, wait to find the one that compliments you, not the first person that comes around. Compromise is not that hard, fighting is. More than anything love your partner how they are, don't attempt to change them, I wouldn't have wanted my husband anyway but how he was and he didn't want me any different than how I am. Don't change yourself to be a different person based on who you are with, no one wants a false relationship. Marriage is not easy, it's not meant to be, it is suppose to ebb and flow, work at it, don't give up on it lay down and expect it just to work out. I love you is easy to say, but they are just words if there are no actions to back the words up.
Month 1 was horrible like a fresh wound with salt and sand rubbed in it. This month was tough, but manageable, like a dull ache that won't stop and no amount of tylonel can make go away.
I learned that no one can make me feel worse than I can all by myself. I learned that friends are the family you choose, and blood family will love you always. Other things I learned are going a little crazy is ok, getting help isn't shameful, and neighbors can be wonderful. The biggest thing I learned is if I take care of myself, makeup, hair done, not frumpy clothes I feel better, it may not seem like that would make a world of difference, but it does.
Things will never stop changing in this little land of Thrift. My beautiful daughter Cheyenne keeps me on my toes for sure. I got to see Zoey again and she is a healthy little horse and looks like she is going to be much bigger than her sister when she is born. Her birthday has been scheduled as well. August the 16th unless my body decides otherwise. We had Zoey's baby shower, it was wonderful. I will have 2 very well dressed and well taken care of little girls regardless of what momma looks like.
Learning to cry has been the biggest breakthrough this month. I have finally allowed myself to cry whenever I feel it. No matter what triggers it, a stupid commercial, a random song, seeing something that reminds me of Shane. On the flip side of that coin the hardest thing I did this month was to go through and box up Shane's clothes. Since we know that the addition will not be completed by the time Zoey gets here I decided to make my room comfortable for us to be in together for a while. I also decided to go through my personal friends list on Facebook and get rid of those people who added me to see my statuses about Shane, there were a few I kept but not many.
So 2 months. Time is a funny thing. It doesn't seem like that much time has passed. I will never fully heal, there will always be that piece of my heart missing, but I will survive and get better everyday. This world is mine for the long haul and I am going to make the very best of it that I can.
One month since my world was turned upside down and inside out, since the day my heart was ripped out and shattered in front of me.
Week One consisted of running solely on auto pilot, I did what I had to, made the decisions I had to, and then watched the love of my life get lowered in the ground. That moment of finality is one no 27 year old should have to deal with, no 7 year old should have to deal with.
Week Two began my week of learning and decompression. Cheyenne went to Utah and I began to learn the ins and outs of pain, grief, sorrow, emptiness, and utter silence. I also learned how much paperwork comes along with death, still learning that. I decompressed with the help of amazing friends and family they kept me busy, kept me sane, they will never know the full extent of what they did for me and I could never be able to fully express it to them.
Week Three came in with full fury, got my girl back home and settled into a routine of sorts, and found out that I could still cry since I hadn't been able to. Most importantly I got to see the beautiful child that my husband and I created. Just recently I found out that the name we chose, Zoey means life in Greek, maybe our guts were telling us something what seems so long ago. I also found my greatest fear, how to tell Zoey however long down the road where her Daddy is.
Week Four kept me busy, Girl Scout day camp, enjoying my little girl, and staying out of the house as much as I could. My evening prayers have turned from God help me survive this to God help my children to know and love you as I do. I did a lot of self reflection trying to know myself, who I am, where I am going, and how I'm going to get there. Saw a grief counselor, I really think he is going to help not only me cope and grow, but, also help me help Cheyenne. Instead of sitting around the house for Fathers Day Cheyenne and I went to see my Papa, spending the day there enjoying the company of family really was a good thing.
And now here we are, at this time one month ago I was waiting for the inevitable, holding on to my husband for dear life, memorizing every line, every wrinkle, telling him how much I love him, that we would be together again for all eternity.
Today I had a sonogram of our little bundle of joy. To most at this point seeing your little one brings on the greatest joy ever, I am at 31 weeks. For me today there was such a mixture of sadness along with that joy. It started the moment I walked into the little room that they do the sonograms in. The song playing was Love Me Like Jesus does, which is enough to get the tears flowing, but the knowledge that the last time we had walked in there Shane and I were together with my Momma, so excited to see if we were having a boy or girl. I remembered seeing his face when we found out that Zoey was in fact a girl, he was so disappointed, but got over that very quickly and was talking about needing a bigger truck to haul HIS girls around in very shortly after.
Today also marks one month since the accident, which definitely didn't do much to bring on the happy. I cried, and cried, and cried. When I saw that little heart beat going it brought on a fresh wave of tears. Shane would have been so excited to see how chunky she is, that she is growing so well, and he would have asked just to see if there were magically boy parts, lol. If just seeing the sonogram brings on this kind of emotion, I can only imagine what its going to be like when I hold her in my arms. This tiny creation that we made together, another part of him.
Living in the moment with my little girl is the best I can do. She is my light when I am in a dark place, my comfort when I need her. She is the one making sure that I don't sink into a deep hole. Planning activities for her summer vacation, shopping for school clothes, cooking for the 2 of us is keeping me sane.
Since she came home last Monday, we have done so much together. Today being the big day of the week, we had her Baseball party, she is so proud of her trophy! Then we went to start school clothes shopping, she in true diva form got tons of pink and black because what else would a diva wear! She is still excited about the prospect of a baby in our little world, which I am glad of.
I have found myself in a place of deep reflection, how am I going to manage raising 2 children by myself? I know there are many many women who do it, but I never thought I would be there in my life. Shane and I were a team. In discipline, in support, in love toward our daughter. Also, there is the yard work, the house work, the home repair, everything, instead of relying on each other there is only me now.
Now that things have began to calm down and I don't have as many things to do I don't know what to do with myself. Learning to live for myself is probably the hardest thing ever.
Well, its all in all been a pretty good weekend. A little of this and a little of that. Bought new sheets for the bed, something I have always put off, not because of the expense, but because of Shane's line of work. It always seemed that no matter how hard or long he scrubbed there was always grease somewhere and our sheets were always a bit icky. Now, I guess they will get to stay nice and clean longer.
Friday night I DDed for a good friend, its always an entertaining thing to do that for others. Saturday night I went people watching, again lots of entertainment, that is until a song played that hit me to the core. Shane over the many many years has performed this song with countless bands and karaoke. Keep Your Hands to Yourself was a staple, our good friends in the band Big Engine and Shane had an entire performance to go along with it, which I can play in my head from beginning to end. He had even changed the lyrics to suit him. I had to walk out as soon as I heard the beginning chords. After that I just couldn't get into being there anymore, though I did throw a damn good game of darts, and won before I came home.
Today was another good day though. I went and spent time with one of our best friends in the world. Boozer and Mary have been a part of our lives since the day Shane and I became a couple, and part of Shane's way before I even came along. Boozer is Shane's best friend, as close as brothers could ever be. Being with them and their family reminded me that Shane will live on and on through them, and Boozer will teach our daughter's all the things I can't about their Daddy. I love them so much and am so happy they will always be there in my life. Mary even redid my hair color, since the purple had all but washed out and the pink was beginning to fade.
Tomorrow begins a new week, a new chapter. SSI appt in the morning. Then my little Princess will be home tomorrow evening!!! I am so excited and happy about that, I have missed her so much. Until next time!
All there is now is to wait and see. All the bills are paid until July sept the car ins. and I think I am going to change that. Now to wait and see what SS tells me on Monday, what my income will be for the next 16 or so years... Started looking into health ins. for myself since I know the girls will be covered under peachcare, go GA for having that at least.
Been pretty busy in a lazy kind of way today. Went and got the oil changed in the Jeep thanks to my mom in law who happened to have a punch card with 2 free oil changes left on it since she bought a new car. Then I went to Jacksonville to pick up the medical records, btw I dislike Shands Hospital with a deep fiery passion, they charged me 53.50 for pieces of paper, where as I went to Mayo Clinic to get the records from them and wasn't charged a dime.
I found my trigger today, there is a video Shane posted over the winter of a Semi Truck with spinners. I could hear his voice, it felt good to cry a little. I miss him, also found a song trigger which is a pretty obvious one, but it just hadn't come on the Ipod til today.
So that's today.... Stay tuned for tomorrow, because it all may be different.
I remember getting aggravated several weeks ago when Shane was in his own little world and hadn't said but a few words to me all day. Such a silly thing to get upset with really, he had been working so hard both here at home trying to get the addition to the house done and at his job. Now what I wouldn't give for just a few words from him. You see, my husband is gone from this world, he departed May 18th 2013. We had been together for almost 10 years, married for almost 7. We have a beautiful little 7 year old girl, and another little girl that will be born in August.
Silence, it feels like what my world is consumed with now. I don't know what to feel, what to do, should I continue to be me without him, should I change myself to be what the world wants to see? Should I jump in a pool buck necked, I did, after a few minute conversation in my head questioning if I should. Should I get a Tat, have it planned, it will happen soon. I know I shouldn't, and I won't but I really wish I could drink myself sleepy every night.
I have read about 1,000,000 stories and blogs and articles online, and they all say the same thing, there is no wrong way to grieve. Well, that's a good thing, since I can't cry to save my life, I can barely eat, and all my brain says to do is keep busy do something go somewhere. At the funeral I felt like ever eye was on me, waiting for me to fall apart, I could barely cry then.
Shane was the love of my life, in the words of Christian Mingle commercials he was "God's match for me". There will never be another. People keep telling me, oh your young, you will find someone new. These people obviously DO NOT know me. And I tell them, I may date or hell I might find myself in a relationship one day, but I will not remarry. Shane was it, my first, my last, my everything.
I guess right now I just have to take my life as it comes, one day, one hour, one minute, one second.