Thursday, May 30, 2013


All there is now is to wait and see. All the bills are paid until July sept the car ins. and I think I am going to change that. Now to wait and see what SS tells me on Monday, what my income will be for the next 16 or so years... Started looking into health ins. for myself since I know the girls will be covered under peachcare, go GA for having that at least.
Been pretty busy in a lazy kind of way today. Went and got the oil changed in the Jeep thanks to my mom in law who happened to have a punch card with 2 free oil changes left on it since she bought a new car. Then I went to Jacksonville to pick up the medical records, btw I dislike Shands Hospital with a deep fiery passion, they charged me 53.50 for pieces of paper, where as I went to Mayo Clinic to get the records from them and wasn't charged a dime. 
I found my trigger today, there is a video Shane posted over the winter of a Semi Truck with spinners. I could hear his voice, it felt good to cry a little. I miss him, also found a song trigger which is a pretty obvious one, but it just hadn't come on the Ipod til today. 

So that's today.... Stay tuned for tomorrow, because it all may be different.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

The Sound of Silence

I remember getting aggravated several weeks ago when Shane was in his own little world and hadn't said but a few words to me all day. Such a silly thing to get upset with really, he had been working so hard both here at home trying to get the addition to the house done and at his job. Now what I wouldn't give for just a few words from him. You see, my husband is gone from this world, he departed May 18th 2013. We had been together for almost 10 years, married for almost 7. We have a beautiful little 7 year old girl, and another little girl that will be born in August. 
Silence, it feels like what my world is consumed with now. I don't know what to feel, what to do, should I continue to be me without him, should I change myself to be what the world wants to see? Should I jump in a pool buck necked, I did, after a few minute conversation in my head questioning if I should. Should I get a Tat, have it planned, it will happen soon. I know I shouldn't, and I won't but I really wish I could drink myself sleepy every night.  
I have read about 1,000,000 stories and blogs and articles online, and they all say the same thing, there is no wrong way to grieve. Well, that's a good thing, since I can't cry to save my life, I can barely eat, and all my brain says to do is keep busy do something go somewhere. At the funeral I felt like ever eye was on me, waiting for me to fall apart, I could barely cry then. 
Shane was the love of my life, in the words of Christian Mingle commercials he was "God's match for me". There will never be another. People keep telling me, oh your young, you will find someone new. These people obviously DO NOT know me. And I tell them, I may date or hell I might find myself in a relationship one day, but I will not remarry. Shane was it, my first, my last, my everything.
I guess right now I just have to take my life as it comes, one day, one hour, one minute, one second.