Friday, December 20, 2013

6 Months....6 Long Months.

Half a year... Why do 6 months and Christmas have to go together? Why couldn't it have been the other way around 6 months at the beginning of Summer instead, maybe that would make it easier to take. I doubt it though. 
I wake up every morning, in my house, my house that I bought to escape the reality, my house that I bought to chase the ghosts away (not literal ones), my house that I furnished to make it me not us, my house that is less that 2 miles from where I spent the last almost 10 years of my life. My house, some may think my moving is a bad thing, to those people I say bite me, you are the same people that said you would be there to help with the renovations, that were not, so please step down from your high horse. Some days I get up and moving without a moments hesitation, then, some mornings I just want to huddle under the covers and hide from the world, and then there the days/nights where sleep just doesn't come at all. 
I hurt, I hurt a lot, I try not to show it, I try to mask it. I've gotten pretty good at it, people don't want to see the me that is wallowing in self pity, they don't want to see the woman that is just blank, they don't want to see the grief etched in my face. And, honestly, I don't want them to see it either, it's mine, my pain, my struggle, not theirs to watch. I am sure that there are people who look at me and say, she didn't love him, she's not grieving, she is a cold hearted bitch, etc. Let me tell you now, you have no idea what I deal with every single day, and I do not wish what I go through on anyone.
I have become very complacent being in my own little world. I don't go out much, I have weeded out people that just were not being positive points in my world. I have met new people, I have found out who are real friends, and I have held tighter to the ones that do make me happy. Being happy is my goal everyday, just to find that little point of light at least once a day is a feat, but, it is a goal that I keep when the other ones go to the wayside.
Christmas, it has always been one of my 3 favorite holidays, the others are Halloween and St. Patrick's Day. I spend to much, I give to much, I cook to much, I decorate to much, at least I did. This year, I didn't carve a pumpkin for Halloween, that was Shane's job, my job was to find the most outrageous and difficult things for him to carve into multiple pumpkins. I barely made it through Thanksgiving without a total mental break. And now, Christmas. I have lights up outside, they are all blue, it is minimal. I have a tree inside, it's blue and white and has our ornaments on it. I didn't bake for the shop, I bought donuts, and chocolate for them, because that to me is still where my husband works. Cheyenne hasn't written a letter to Santa, because she hasn't really wanted to ask anything of me, though I wish she would. I have Shane's stocking hanging, I have my stocking hanging, both will be empty, every year we would fill each others with the movies that we knew each other wanted, gag gifts, and stuff. I am trying to make it normal for Cheyenne's sake, Zoey has no idea what is going on. Our normal isn't normal though, it never will be. 
So yeah, 6 months. I made it through, now what.


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  2. There are no words that come to mind that could come anywhere near being the right thing to say. All I can offer is to continue taking it one day at a time. Are you still going to the grief counseling?

  3. Tears rolling as I read this. I can't help but feel guilty that I can't be there as much as I want to be. We all get caught up in our own world, our own issues and slowly as time goes by we bury our hurt and sadness deep down so we don't have to face it everyday. I tell myself everyday I am going to make time to go see your new house and spend some time with you and the kids and I just find myself pushing it to another day. Now is that because I dont care or that I am not a real friend? No its because its so hard for me to see you and the kids. Thats so selfish I know but I guess I am selfish as we all are. I am so sorry that this had to happen to you to the kids to Shane and to everyone that loves him. Its so hard to know that he isnt here to bring Boozer a gift this year that will be a gift that is that most perfect gift for him. Its going to be really hard on New Years! We don't know how to have a holiday without Shane either, I guess this could be why this holiday season had been such a disaster for us so far :( Gavin started talking about Shane out of the blue in the car last night. He said "Daddy never has fun anymore since Shane isnt here with him. We don't hang out with any friends and we don't do anything with anyone anymore, he must be really sad. I miss Shane! " I had to pull over because I could no longer see to drive. It has changed my husband as it has changed all of us so no I don't blame you for trying your best to make your life your own and yes I think you are doing a great job at it! Shane would be proud. I know the only thing your daughter would ever ask from santa she could never have so just do the best you can and get her things that you know Shane would pick for her. Its the little things that will always leave a little part of him on the Holidays. We love you guys and I know you will get through it... maybe not as easily as you wish but you will and Shane is watching over you and he knows you are doing your best. :)

  4. and p.s. we are having my family Christmas on Saturday the 28th at 12 pm if you and the girls want to come join us. :) Our traditions dont have to stop... they will just be a little different :(