Friday, December 20, 2013

6 Months....6 Long Months.

Half a year... Why do 6 months and Christmas have to go together? Why couldn't it have been the other way around 6 months at the beginning of Summer instead, maybe that would make it easier to take. I doubt it though. 
I wake up every morning, in my house, my house that I bought to escape the reality, my house that I bought to chase the ghosts away (not literal ones), my house that I furnished to make it me not us, my house that is less that 2 miles from where I spent the last almost 10 years of my life. My house, some may think my moving is a bad thing, to those people I say bite me, you are the same people that said you would be there to help with the renovations, that were not, so please step down from your high horse. Some days I get up and moving without a moments hesitation, then, some mornings I just want to huddle under the covers and hide from the world, and then there the days/nights where sleep just doesn't come at all. 
I hurt, I hurt a lot, I try not to show it, I try to mask it. I've gotten pretty good at it, people don't want to see the me that is wallowing in self pity, they don't want to see the woman that is just blank, they don't want to see the grief etched in my face. And, honestly, I don't want them to see it either, it's mine, my pain, my struggle, not theirs to watch. I am sure that there are people who look at me and say, she didn't love him, she's not grieving, she is a cold hearted bitch, etc. Let me tell you now, you have no idea what I deal with every single day, and I do not wish what I go through on anyone.
I have become very complacent being in my own little world. I don't go out much, I have weeded out people that just were not being positive points in my world. I have met new people, I have found out who are real friends, and I have held tighter to the ones that do make me happy. Being happy is my goal everyday, just to find that little point of light at least once a day is a feat, but, it is a goal that I keep when the other ones go to the wayside.
Christmas, it has always been one of my 3 favorite holidays, the others are Halloween and St. Patrick's Day. I spend to much, I give to much, I cook to much, I decorate to much, at least I did. This year, I didn't carve a pumpkin for Halloween, that was Shane's job, my job was to find the most outrageous and difficult things for him to carve into multiple pumpkins. I barely made it through Thanksgiving without a total mental break. And now, Christmas. I have lights up outside, they are all blue, it is minimal. I have a tree inside, it's blue and white and has our ornaments on it. I didn't bake for the shop, I bought donuts, and chocolate for them, because that to me is still where my husband works. Cheyenne hasn't written a letter to Santa, because she hasn't really wanted to ask anything of me, though I wish she would. I have Shane's stocking hanging, I have my stocking hanging, both will be empty, every year we would fill each others with the movies that we knew each other wanted, gag gifts, and stuff. I am trying to make it normal for Cheyenne's sake, Zoey has no idea what is going on. Our normal isn't normal though, it never will be. 
So yeah, 6 months. I made it through, now what.