Wednesday, May 29, 2013

The Sound of Silence

I remember getting aggravated several weeks ago when Shane was in his own little world and hadn't said but a few words to me all day. Such a silly thing to get upset with really, he had been working so hard both here at home trying to get the addition to the house done and at his job. Now what I wouldn't give for just a few words from him. You see, my husband is gone from this world, he departed May 18th 2013. We had been together for almost 10 years, married for almost 7. We have a beautiful little 7 year old girl, and another little girl that will be born in August. 
Silence, it feels like what my world is consumed with now. I don't know what to feel, what to do, should I continue to be me without him, should I change myself to be what the world wants to see? Should I jump in a pool buck necked, I did, after a few minute conversation in my head questioning if I should. Should I get a Tat, have it planned, it will happen soon. I know I shouldn't, and I won't but I really wish I could drink myself sleepy every night.  
I have read about 1,000,000 stories and blogs and articles online, and they all say the same thing, there is no wrong way to grieve. Well, that's a good thing, since I can't cry to save my life, I can barely eat, and all my brain says to do is keep busy do something go somewhere. At the funeral I felt like ever eye was on me, waiting for me to fall apart, I could barely cry then. 
Shane was the love of my life, in the words of Christian Mingle commercials he was "God's match for me". There will never be another. People keep telling me, oh your young, you will find someone new. These people obviously DO NOT know me. And I tell them, I may date or hell I might find myself in a relationship one day, but I will not remarry. Shane was it, my first, my last, my everything.
I guess right now I just have to take my life as it comes, one day, one hour, one minute, one second.


  1. You're a very strong woman, no matter how you grieve. Reading your posts every day, I feel your pain, but I also know you're working your way through feelings. Don't ever try to be anyone other than who you have always been, for it will not satisfy you and you will be in more pain. I can only imagine what you're going through, but I want you to know it will be ok. You are strong.

  2. What an amazing smart woman u r Patricia,Shane would be so proud of u!What a wonderful idea about the blog.Something to reflect on later to see how far u will grow in the minutes hours days and months ahead.I truely wish there had been something like this 25 years ago when my little boy died.It could have helped me because trust me Patricia none of us know how we r supposed to grieve,Its a day by day process don't worry about who might be watching u,Grief is so lonely and very personal You just keep on doing what u r doing a day will come when you will just know that u r on the road u r supposed to be on.I truely do admire your inner strength Patricia,God made you to be an amazing young woman.God bless you and please take care of yourself.Be patient with yourself.YOU will make it in your time and in your own way!

  3. Shane was a good man. And you are right, y'all are God's match for one another. I couldn't possible understand what you are going through, but would imagine that if Chris died, I'd never marry another man either...