Monday, June 17, 2013
One month since my world was turned upside down and inside out, since the day my heart was ripped out and shattered in front of me.
Week One consisted of running solely on auto pilot, I did what I had to, made the decisions I had to, and then watched the love of my life get lowered in the ground. That moment of finality is one no 27 year old should have to deal with, no 7 year old should have to deal with.
Week Two began my week of learning and decompression. Cheyenne went to Utah and I began to learn the ins and outs of pain, grief, sorrow, emptiness, and utter silence. I also learned how much paperwork comes along with death, still learning that. I decompressed with the help of amazing friends and family they kept me busy, kept me sane, they will never know the full extent of what they did for me and I could never be able to fully express it to them.
Week Three came in with full fury, got my girl back home and settled into a routine of sorts, and found out that I could still cry since I hadn't been able to. Most importantly I got to see the beautiful child that my husband and I created. Just recently I found out that the name we chose, Zoey means life in Greek, maybe our guts were telling us something what seems so long ago. I also found my greatest fear, how to tell Zoey however long down the road where her Daddy is.
Week Four kept me busy, Girl Scout day camp, enjoying my little girl, and staying out of the house as much as I could. My evening prayers have turned from God help me survive this to God help my children to know and love you as I do. I did a lot of self reflection trying to know myself, who I am, where I am going, and how I'm going to get there. Saw a grief counselor, I really think he is going to help not only me cope and grow, but, also help me help Cheyenne. Instead of sitting around the house for Fathers Day Cheyenne and I went to see my Papa, spending the day there enjoying the company of family really was a good thing.
And now here we are, at this time one month ago I was waiting for the inevitable, holding on to my husband for dear life, memorizing every line, every wrinkle, telling him how much I love him, that we would be together again for all eternity.
One month and a lifetime to go.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Today I had a sonogram of our little bundle of joy. To most at this point seeing your little one brings on the greatest joy ever, I am at 31 weeks. For me today there was such a mixture of sadness along with that joy. It started the moment I walked into the little room that they do the sonograms in. The song playing was Love Me Like Jesus does, which is enough to get the tears flowing, but the knowledge that the last time we had walked in there Shane and I were together with my Momma, so excited to see if we were having a boy or girl. I remembered seeing his face when we found out that Zoey was in fact a girl, he was so disappointed, but got over that very quickly and was talking about needing a bigger truck to haul HIS girls around in very shortly after.
Today also marks one month since the accident, which definitely didn't do much to bring on the happy. I cried, and cried, and cried. When I saw that little heart beat going it brought on a fresh wave of tears. Shane would have been so excited to see how chunky she is, that she is growing so well, and he would have asked just to see if there were magically boy parts, lol. If just seeing the sonogram brings on this kind of emotion, I can only imagine what its going to be like when I hold her in my arms. This tiny creation that we made together, another part of him.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Living in the moment with my little girl is the best I can do. She is my light when I am in a dark place, my comfort when I need her. She is the one making sure that I don't sink into a deep hole. Planning activities for her summer vacation, shopping for school clothes, cooking for the 2 of us is keeping me sane.
Since she came home last Monday, we have done so much together. Today being the big day of the week, we had her Baseball party, she is so proud of her trophy! Then we went to start school clothes shopping, she in true diva form got tons of pink and black because what else would a diva wear! She is still excited about the prospect of a baby in our little world, which I am glad of.
I have found myself in a place of deep reflection, how am I going to manage raising 2 children by myself? I know there are many many women who do it, but I never thought I would be there in my life. Shane and I were a team. In discipline, in support, in love toward our daughter. Also, there is the yard work, the house work, the home repair, everything, instead of relying on each other there is only me now.
Now that things have began to calm down and I don't have as many things to do I don't know what to do with myself. Learning to live for myself is probably the hardest thing ever.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Well, its all in all been a pretty good weekend. A little of this and a little of that. Bought new sheets for the bed, something I have always put off, not because of the expense, but because of Shane's line of work. It always seemed that no matter how hard or long he scrubbed there was always grease somewhere and our sheets were always a bit icky. Now, I guess they will get to stay nice and clean longer.
Friday night I DDed for a good friend, its always an entertaining thing to do that for others. Saturday night I went people watching, again lots of entertainment, that is until a song played that hit me to the core. Shane over the many many years has performed this song with countless bands and karaoke. Keep Your Hands to Yourself was a staple, our good friends in the band Big Engine and Shane had an entire performance to go along with it, which I can play in my head from beginning to end. He had even changed the lyrics to suit him. I had to walk out as soon as I heard the beginning chords. After that I just couldn't get into being there anymore, though I did throw a damn good game of darts, and won before I came home.
Today was another good day though. I went and spent time with one of our best friends in the world. Boozer and Mary have been a part of our lives since the day Shane and I became a couple, and part of Shane's way before I even came along. Boozer is Shane's best friend, as close as brothers could ever be. Being with them and their family reminded me that Shane will live on and on through them, and Boozer will teach our daughter's all the things I can't about their Daddy. I love them so much and am so happy they will always be there in my life. Mary even redid my hair color, since the purple had all but washed out and the pink was beginning to fade.
Tomorrow begins a new week, a new chapter. SSI appt in the morning. Then my little Princess will be home tomorrow evening!!! I am so excited and happy about that, I have missed her so much. Until next time!