Sunday, December 28, 2014

And here we are...

It is almost 2015. In 2 short days a new year will begin. I feel it will be one of change and happiness. Because in 2014 I remembered what it is to be happy. Holidays were still hard, that's a given though. I found what it is to love again, my opinions on marrying again have definitely changed, as have my opinions on having more children... It is odd what a year and half can do.

In May I decided to finally go on a date. A real one, not just friends going out. That date led to a short lived, but, needed relationship. It taught me that Love can exist again. That you can open your heart and start thinking about a future with another person. That, my friends is the biggest bit of forward progress anyone can make when placed in a situation like mine. Though it ended, it taught me a lot. He was a good guy, just not the "commitment" able type. You live, you learn, and then you continue moving forward.

Forward for me took a bit, I went looking for a bit of fun. I found out that my bit of fun is someone I want to spend a long long time with. I am happy with that, he is wonderful. He understands me, even when I go dark, he finds my light and brings it back out.  

I still love Shane, there will never be a moment that I can deny that. But, your heart can feel whole again. The emptiness can fade. Love can make that happen.

Here's to you 2014, let us make 2015 even better. 

Monday, February 24, 2014

Pain, Hurt, Anger

I honestly don't know how many people see this blog. But, I want to let you all know about my real life tonight. 
Tonight, for the first time since the time I told Cheyenne that her Daddy was going to pass I cried with her. I asked her if she truly understood what has happened, she told me that her Mema told her that she would see him again soon (something about an eclipse???????? uhhhhhhh), I had to set her straight on that, that her Daddy was gone, that she wouldn't see him again for a very long time. I feel like I apologized to her a million times. I told her that if I could have made it not happen I would have. That regardless of what anyone says to her, I did everything I could. That I hurt. Something I don't think many understand.
Shane and I had a hell of a relationship and marriage. It wasn't the fairytale that everyone likes to see. We had highs and lows that very very few were privy to. And those that few people saw, there were million others that happened without anyone seeing. We keep being called things like golden, perfect, wonderful, amazing, happy. Truth is, we went through HELL and honestly we were still working on finding our way out. We had serious issues, but we were both to stubborn to give up. Plus, to add in the fact that we both were the product of divorced and very very broken homes we were not going to say hey lets just be done. No, regardless we were going to make it work. 
Hurt was not a new word in our household. It was one I live with all the time. Shane was a hustler, he hustled and hustled to make sure whatever we needed and wanted. Or, at least he thought. I told him time and time again what we needed was him. In the last year of his life he had seen 2 baseball games and 2 football games of Cheyenne's. I was there at every practice, game, etc. for both. Cheyenne idolized Shane and I don't want to change that. But, one day I hope she see's the reality of what I lived. Hell.
Jackie Shane Thrift was NOT a saint. Neither am I. We have never been, we never would be. We partied HARD. Please understand that. We were ok with that. 
So that's real.