Monday, June 17, 2013
One Month, a Lifetime
One month since my world was turned upside down and inside out, since the day my heart was ripped out and shattered in front of me.
Week One consisted of running solely on auto pilot, I did what I had to, made the decisions I had to, and then watched the love of my life get lowered in the ground. That moment of finality is one no 27 year old should have to deal with, no 7 year old should have to deal with.
Week Two began my week of learning and decompression. Cheyenne went to Utah and I began to learn the ins and outs of pain, grief, sorrow, emptiness, and utter silence. I also learned how much paperwork comes along with death, still learning that. I decompressed with the help of amazing friends and family they kept me busy, kept me sane, they will never know the full extent of what they did for me and I could never be able to fully express it to them.
Week Three came in with full fury, got my girl back home and settled into a routine of sorts, and found out that I could still cry since I hadn't been able to. Most importantly I got to see the beautiful child that my husband and I created. Just recently I found out that the name we chose, Zoey means life in Greek, maybe our guts were telling us something what seems so long ago. I also found my greatest fear, how to tell Zoey however long down the road where her Daddy is.
Week Four kept me busy, Girl Scout day camp, enjoying my little girl, and staying out of the house as much as I could. My evening prayers have turned from God help me survive this to God help my children to know and love you as I do. I did a lot of self reflection trying to know myself, who I am, where I am going, and how I'm going to get there. Saw a grief counselor, I really think he is going to help not only me cope and grow, but, also help me help Cheyenne. Instead of sitting around the house for Fathers Day Cheyenne and I went to see my Papa, spending the day there enjoying the company of family really was a good thing.
And now here we are, at this time one month ago I was waiting for the inevitable, holding on to my husband for dear life, memorizing every line, every wrinkle, telling him how much I love him, that we would be together again for all eternity.
One month and a lifetime to go.