Days, Hours, Minutes

Living in the moment with my little girl is the best I can do. She is my light when I am in a dark place, my comfort when I need her. She is the one making sure that I don't sink into a deep hole. Planning activities for her summer vacation, shopping for school clothes, cooking for the 2 of us is keeping me sane. 

Since she came home last Monday, we have done so much together. Today being the big day of the week, we had her Baseball party, she is so proud of her trophy! Then we went to start school clothes shopping, she in true diva form got tons of pink and black because what else would a diva wear! She is still excited about the prospect of a baby in our little world, which I am glad of. 

I have found myself in a place of deep reflection, how am I going to manage raising 2 children by myself? I know there are many many women who do it, but I never thought I would be there in my life. Shane and I were a team. In discipline, in support, in love toward our daughter. Also, there is the yard work, the house work, the home repair, everything, instead of relying on each other there is only me now. 

Now that things have began to calm down and I don't have as many things to do I don't know what to do with myself. Learning to live for myself is probably the hardest thing ever. 

Roller Coaster

Well, its all in all been a pretty good weekend. A little of this and a little of that. Bought new sheets for the bed, something I have always put off, not because of the expense, but because of Shane's line of work. It always seemed that no matter how hard or long he scrubbed there was always grease somewhere and our sheets were always a bit icky. Now, I guess they will get to stay nice and clean longer. 

Friday night I DDed for a good friend, its always an entertaining thing to do that for others. Saturday night I went people watching, again lots of entertainment, that is until a song played that hit me to the core. Shane over the many many years has performed this song with countless bands and karaoke. Keep Your Hands to Yourself was a staple, our good friends in the band Big Engine and Shane had an entire performance to go along with it, which I can play in my head from beginning to end. He had even changed the lyrics to suit him. I had to walk out as soon as I heard the beginning chords. After that I just couldn't get into being there anymore, though I did throw a damn good game of darts, and won before I came home.

Today was another good day though. I went and spent time with one of our best friends in the world. Boozer and Mary have been a part of our lives since the day Shane and I became a couple, and part of Shane's way before I even came along. Boozer is Shane's best friend, as close as brothers could ever be. Being with them and their family reminded me that Shane will live on and on through them, and Boozer will teach our daughter's all the things I can't about their Daddy.  I love them so much and am so happy they will always be there in my life. Mary even redid my hair color, since the purple had all but washed out and the pink was beginning to fade. 

Tomorrow begins a new week, a new chapter. SSI appt in the morning. Then my little Princess will be home tomorrow evening!!! I am so excited and happy about that, I have missed her so much. Until next time!

Well....

All there is now is to wait and see. All the bills are paid until July sept the car ins. and I think I am going to change that. Now to wait and see what SS tells me on Monday, what my income will be for the next 16 or so years... Started looking into health ins. for myself since I know the girls will be covered under peachcare, go GA for having that at least.

Been pretty busy in a lazy kind of way today. Went and got the oil changed in the Jeep thanks to my mom in law who happened to have a punch card with 2 free oil changes left on it since she bought a new car. Then I went to Jacksonville to pick up the medical records, btw I dislike Shands Hospital with a deep fiery passion, they charged me 53.50 for pieces of paper, where as I went to Mayo Clinic to get the records from them and wasn't charged a dime. 

I found my trigger today, there is a video Shane posted over the winter of a Semi Truck with spinners. I could hear his voice, it felt good to cry a little. I miss him, also found a song trigger which is a pretty obvious one, but it just hadn't come on the Ipod til today. 

So that's today.... Stay tuned for tomorrow, because it all may be different.

The Sound of Silence

I remember getting aggravated several weeks ago when Shane was in his own little world and hadn't said but a few words to me all day. Such a silly thing to get upset with really, he had been working so hard both here at home trying to get the addition to the house done and at his job. Now what I wouldn't give for just a few words from him. You see, my husband is gone from this world, he departed May 18th 2013. We had been together for almost 10 years, married for almost 7. We have a beautiful little 7 year old girl, and another little girl that will be born in August. 

Silence, it feels like what my world is consumed with now. I don't know what to feel, what to do, should I continue to be me without him, should I change myself to be what the world wants to see? Should I jump in a pool buck necked, I did, after a few minute conversation in my head questioning if I should. Should I get a Tat, have it planned, it will happen soon. I know I shouldn't, and I won't but I really wish I could drink myself sleepy every night.  

I have read about 1,000,000 stories and blogs and articles online, and they all say the same thing, there is no wrong way to grieve. Well, that's a good thing, since I can't cry to save my life, I can barely eat, and all my brain says to do is keep busy do something go somewhere. At the funeral I felt like ever eye was on me, waiting for me to fall apart, I could barely cry then. 

Shane was the love of my life, in the words of Christian Mingle commercials he was "God's match for me". There will never be another. People keep telling me, oh your young, you will find someone new. These people obviously DO NOT know me. And I tell them, I may date or hell I might find myself in a relationship one day, but I will not remarry. Shane was it, my first, my last, my everything.

I guess right now I just have to take my life as it comes, one day, one hour, one minute, one second.