On May 18th 2013 I lost the Love of my life Shane. He passed from complications after a motorcycle accident May 12th, Mother's Day on his way to work. We have 2 children one who was able to know him, one who will never know him. This blog is my way of sharing my life, and hopefully helping someone out there going through the pain as I am.
It is almost 2015. In 2 short days a new year will begin. I feel it will be one of change and happiness. Because in 2014 I remembered what it is to be happy. Holidays were still hard, that's a given though. I found what it is to love again, my opinions on marrying again have definitely changed, as have my opinions on having more children... It is odd what a year and half can do.
In May I decided to finally go on a date. A real one, not just friends going out. That date led to a short lived, but, needed relationship. It taught me that Love can exist again. That you can open your heart and start thinking about a future with another person. That, my friends is the biggest bit of forward progress anyone can make when placed in a situation like mine. Though it ended, it taught me a lot. He was a good guy, just not the "commitment" able type. You live, you learn, and then you continue moving forward.
Forward for me took a bit, I went looking for a bit of fun. I found out that my bit of fun is someone I want to spend a long long time with. I am happy with that, he is wonderful. He understands me, even when I go dark, he finds my light and brings it back out.
I still love Shane, there will never be a moment that I can deny that. But, your heart can feel whole again. The emptiness can fade. Love can make that happen.
I honestly don't know how many people see this blog. But, I want to let you all know about my real life tonight.
Tonight, for the first time since the time I told Cheyenne that her Daddy was going to pass I cried with her. I asked her if she truly understood what has happened, she told me that her Mema told her that she would see him again soon (something about an eclipse???????? uhhhhhhh), I had to set her straight on that, that her Daddy was gone, that she wouldn't see him again for a very long time. I feel like I apologized to her a million times. I told her that if I could have made it not happen I would have. That regardless of what anyone says to her, I did everything I could. That I hurt. Something I don't think many understand.
Shane and I had a hell of a relationship and marriage. It wasn't the fairytale that everyone likes to see. We had highs and lows that very very few were privy to. And those that few people saw, there were million others that happened without anyone seeing. We keep being called things like golden, perfect, wonderful, amazing, happy. Truth is, we went through HELL and honestly we were still working on finding our way out. We had serious issues, but we were both to stubborn to give up. Plus, to add in the fact that we both were the product of divorced and very very broken homes we were not going to say hey lets just be done. No, regardless we were going to make it work.
Hurt was not a new word in our household. It was one I live with all the time. Shane was a hustler, he hustled and hustled to make sure whatever we needed and wanted. Or, at least he thought. I told him time and time again what we needed was him. In the last year of his life he had seen 2 baseball games and 2 football games of Cheyenne's. I was there at every practice, game, etc. for both. Cheyenne idolized Shane and I don't want to change that. But, one day I hope she see's the reality of what I lived. Hell.
Jackie Shane Thrift was NOT a saint. Neither am I. We have never been, we never would be. We partied HARD. Please understand that. We were ok with that.
Half a year... Why do 6 months and Christmas have to go together? Why couldn't it have been the other way around 6 months at the beginning of Summer instead, maybe that would make it easier to take. I doubt it though.
I wake up every morning, in my house, my house that I bought to escape the reality, my house that I bought to chase the ghosts away (not literal ones), my house that I furnished to make it me not us, my house that is less that 2 miles from where I spent the last almost 10 years of my life. My house, some may think my moving is a bad thing, to those people I say bite me, you are the same people that said you would be there to help with the renovations, that were not, so please step down from your high horse. Some days I get up and moving without a moments hesitation, then, some mornings I just want to huddle under the covers and hide from the world, and then there the days/nights where sleep just doesn't come at all.
I hurt, I hurt a lot, I try not to show it, I try to mask it. I've gotten pretty good at it, people don't want to see the me that is wallowing in self pity, they don't want to see the woman that is just blank, they don't want to see the grief etched in my face. And, honestly, I don't want them to see it either, it's mine, my pain, my struggle, not theirs to watch. I am sure that there are people who look at me and say, she didn't love him, she's not grieving, she is a cold hearted bitch, etc. Let me tell you now, you have no idea what I deal with every single day, and I do not wish what I go through on anyone.
I have become very complacent being in my own little world. I don't go out much, I have weeded out people that just were not being positive points in my world. I have met new people, I have found out who are real friends, and I have held tighter to the ones that do make me happy. Being happy is my goal everyday, just to find that little point of light at least once a day is a feat, but, it is a goal that I keep when the other ones go to the wayside.
Christmas, it has always been one of my 3 favorite holidays, the others are Halloween and St. Patrick's Day. I spend to much, I give to much, I cook to much, I decorate to much, at least I did. This year, I didn't carve a pumpkin for Halloween, that was Shane's job, my job was to find the most outrageous and difficult things for him to carve into multiple pumpkins. I barely made it through Thanksgiving without a total mental break. And now, Christmas. I have lights up outside, they are all blue, it is minimal. I have a tree inside, it's blue and white and has our ornaments on it. I didn't bake for the shop, I bought donuts, and chocolate for them, because that to me is still where my husband works. Cheyenne hasn't written a letter to Santa, because she hasn't really wanted to ask anything of me, though I wish she would. I have Shane's stocking hanging, I have my stocking hanging, both will be empty, every year we would fill each others with the movies that we knew each other wanted, gag gifts, and stuff. I am trying to make it normal for Cheyenne's sake, Zoey has no idea what is going on. Our normal isn't normal though, it never will be.
This Monday the 12th of August Shane and I would have been married for 7 years, though we were together almost 10. They went by so quickly, and then ended just as quickly. Our vows were simple I promised to love, honor, and cherish him, his were the same, I vowed til death do us part as did he.
I am finally starting to feel anger. A 21 year old moron driving his fathers car killed my husband. He will get to walk through life marry, have children, raise his children, go to work, and Shane will not. It was Murder, I don't care if it was in cold blood or not, he Murdered my husband. He killed a man who loved hard, worked hard, earned his respect from others, and did everything he could to make his life better.
I don't even know if this piece of crap feels remorse, I doubt it, because this day in age it seems like people just take human life for granted. Because of him 2 little girls will grow up without their Daddy who loved them more than life itself. Cheyenne knows that, but Zoey will only know what I and others can tell her. That is unforgivable. If ever I am faced with this boy, and he attempts to ask of my forgiveness, I will not be able to do it. He took so much from me and from our family, he took my everything.
Shane was a truly Godly man, we did not go to church, because in our
eyes our God is not in a building as many would tell us constantly. Throughout our marriage people would tell us we needed a Church Home, no we needed faith, we had and have that in spades. We did not need to walk in a church to tell us we had the Lord with us. There was a point in the funeral service that I wanted to stand up and scream when the preacher kept talking about how Shane's brother only saved his soul because his brother went through the sinners prayer with him. No, Shane was a saved and whole man long before that time. The fact that we were in a church that had standing room only told that. When I get told all the time that Shane had helped a person and asked for nothing in return countless times, he was a saved man. The fact that he did so much for his family told that. He did not need words to Save him, he had what so many who have words didn't, don't, and never will. He had pure love and FAITH in God and showed it through his daily actions, not words that mean nothing.
There are 5 words that make me so angry every time I hear them spoken out loud to me. I am praying for you. Well that's nice, I guess you had to tell me out loud to make you feel better, because it doesn't do much for me to hear you say it to me. I have asked no one to pray for me, so please don't make it seem like a big deal that you are. Prayer is a private thing, I pray constantly, for others, myself, my children, etc. but I do not feel it needs to be advertised to anyone.
If there was advice I could give to anyone at this point of my life it would be this. When you are married God comes first, your spouse comes second, your children come third, and you come fourth. Marriage is in God's eyes forever, wait to find the one that compliments you, not the first person that comes around. Compromise is not that hard, fighting is. More than anything love your partner how they are, don't attempt to change them, I wouldn't have wanted my husband anyway but how he was and he didn't want me any different than how I am. Don't change yourself to be a different person based on who you are with, no one wants a false relationship. Marriage is not easy, it's not meant to be, it is suppose to ebb and flow, work at it, don't give up on it lay down and expect it just to work out. I love you is easy to say, but they are just words if there are no actions to back the words up.
Month 1 was horrible like a fresh wound with salt and sand rubbed in it. This month was tough, but manageable, like a dull ache that won't stop and no amount of tylonel can make go away.
I learned that no one can make me feel worse than I can all by myself. I learned that friends are the family you choose, and blood family will love you always. Other things I learned are going a little crazy is ok, getting help isn't shameful, and neighbors can be wonderful. The biggest thing I learned is if I take care of myself, makeup, hair done, not frumpy clothes I feel better, it may not seem like that would make a world of difference, but it does.
Things will never stop changing in this little land of Thrift. My beautiful daughter Cheyenne keeps me on my toes for sure. I got to see Zoey again and she is a healthy little horse and looks like she is going to be much bigger than her sister when she is born. Her birthday has been scheduled as well. August the 16th unless my body decides otherwise. We had Zoey's baby shower, it was wonderful. I will have 2 very well dressed and well taken care of little girls regardless of what momma looks like.
Learning to cry has been the biggest breakthrough this month. I have finally allowed myself to cry whenever I feel it. No matter what triggers it, a stupid commercial, a random song, seeing something that reminds me of Shane. On the flip side of that coin the hardest thing I did this month was to go through and box up Shane's clothes. Since we know that the addition will not be completed by the time Zoey gets here I decided to make my room comfortable for us to be in together for a while. I also decided to go through my personal friends list on Facebook and get rid of those people who added me to see my statuses about Shane, there were a few I kept but not many.
So 2 months. Time is a funny thing. It doesn't seem like that much time has passed. I will never fully heal, there will always be that piece of my heart missing, but I will survive and get better everyday. This world is mine for the long haul and I am going to make the very best of it that I can.
One month since my world was turned upside down and inside out, since the day my heart was ripped out and shattered in front of me.
Week One consisted of running solely on auto pilot, I did what I had to, made the decisions I had to, and then watched the love of my life get lowered in the ground. That moment of finality is one no 27 year old should have to deal with, no 7 year old should have to deal with.
Week Two began my week of learning and decompression. Cheyenne went to Utah and I began to learn the ins and outs of pain, grief, sorrow, emptiness, and utter silence. I also learned how much paperwork comes along with death, still learning that. I decompressed with the help of amazing friends and family they kept me busy, kept me sane, they will never know the full extent of what they did for me and I could never be able to fully express it to them.
Week Three came in with full fury, got my girl back home and settled into a routine of sorts, and found out that I could still cry since I hadn't been able to. Most importantly I got to see the beautiful child that my husband and I created. Just recently I found out that the name we chose, Zoey means life in Greek, maybe our guts were telling us something what seems so long ago. I also found my greatest fear, how to tell Zoey however long down the road where her Daddy is.
Week Four kept me busy, Girl Scout day camp, enjoying my little girl, and staying out of the house as much as I could. My evening prayers have turned from God help me survive this to God help my children to know and love you as I do. I did a lot of self reflection trying to know myself, who I am, where I am going, and how I'm going to get there. Saw a grief counselor, I really think he is going to help not only me cope and grow, but, also help me help Cheyenne. Instead of sitting around the house for Fathers Day Cheyenne and I went to see my Papa, spending the day there enjoying the company of family really was a good thing.
And now here we are, at this time one month ago I was waiting for the inevitable, holding on to my husband for dear life, memorizing every line, every wrinkle, telling him how much I love him, that we would be together again for all eternity.
Today I had a sonogram of our little bundle of joy. To most at this point seeing your little one brings on the greatest joy ever, I am at 31 weeks. For me today there was such a mixture of sadness along with that joy. It started the moment I walked into the little room that they do the sonograms in. The song playing was Love Me Like Jesus does, which is enough to get the tears flowing, but the knowledge that the last time we had walked in there Shane and I were together with my Momma, so excited to see if we were having a boy or girl. I remembered seeing his face when we found out that Zoey was in fact a girl, he was so disappointed, but got over that very quickly and was talking about needing a bigger truck to haul HIS girls around in very shortly after.
Today also marks one month since the accident, which definitely didn't do much to bring on the happy. I cried, and cried, and cried. When I saw that little heart beat going it brought on a fresh wave of tears. Shane would have been so excited to see how chunky she is, that she is growing so well, and he would have asked just to see if there were magically boy parts, lol. If just seeing the sonogram brings on this kind of emotion, I can only imagine what its going to be like when I hold her in my arms. This tiny creation that we made together, another part of him.
